I went back to work yesterday. I was able to hold it together pretty well. I knew that some people knew and some people didn’t know. I wrote an email to everyone outlining what happened and saying thank you to those that had reached out to me. It saved me from repeating the story a million times. It probably made everyone a little uncomfortable, but that is understandable. Suicide will do that I guess. I only teared up a couple of times. Once when I received cards from my co-workers. One that everyone signed – just like a birthday card(!) and one from one of my bosses that was more personal. When they had heard what happened last week they shared with me that their grandfather had committed suicide also. I also got sad when I read an email from one of my brother’s friends. He said that he’s been out of touch with most everyone from their group of friends except for my brother. Many of the other members of the group say the same thing. He wrote, “he was the center of our social circle.” I know how much his friends meant to him. I just can’t believe he didn’t let them help him. He had to know that they would have done anything for him. I know that I can’t say the same about my old friends.
I also had to call the funeral home to start making arrangements for the memorial service. We are going to hold it in our hometown, Great Neck, NY. Great Neck is and was a predominently Jewish town. Growing up my family was one of the few that was not Jewish. All of our friends were Jewish. The funeral home is right by the train station and is easily accessible from the tri-state area. When I first called them they said that if I wanted a Rabbi they could arrange that for me. I asked if it was OK that we weren’t Jewish and they said it was fine. I wanted to be sure that my mom felt good about it too. It’s not that she is bigoted or anything like that, I just wanted to know that she’d be OK with him being in a place that will probably have stars of david on the walls. She is Roman Catholic. Like I’ve said before, my brother was in no way religious and actively questioned the existance of God – especially after events like September 11. I think that he’d appreciate his memorial being held in this place. I think he’d feel that he was with his people.