I’m looking forward to Christmas. P is so pumped and ready for the whole thing. I just hope she isn’t too disappointed when Santa doesn’t bring her a Tickle-Me-Elmo-TMX. It’s the one thing she asked Santa for. We tried to tell her that it is for babies but she is convinced that she needs one. G and I talked about getting her one but he’s so adamantly against it he practically bit my head off when I brought it up. She’ll barely play with it and it is another bit of junk that we don’t need, I know but part of me says, who cares? How many times can you say that you granted someone’s deepest wish? My cousin gave her a Toys-R-Us gift card so if after Christmas/Birthday is over and she still is wanting for anything – I told her that I’d help her go online and get what she wanted. We got her a sleeping bag, a bunch of My Little Pony things, a Miss Bindergarten toy (who knew they made such things??) and two of the books and a bunch of other stuff that I wrapped so long ago I don’t even remember what it is. My parents got her an American Girl doll so that should be an exciting one. I don’t even think her 12 year old cousin who has everything has one of those.
I felt a great sense of relief earlier in the week, right after the memorial but as the week has gone on I’ve been feeling kind of sad. It’s all the Christmas everywhere I guess. I seem to hone in on all the meloncholy parts too. I guess that I had forgotten but this year it seems like so many Christmas songs and movies are a little depressing. Whenever I hear “I’ll be Home for Christmas” in a store I get all choked up. “It’s a Wonderful Life” was on TV last week and I couldn’t bear to watch it. It’s not like this is news to me but each and everytime I hear or see something sad somehow it’s a reminder of what happened. Even when it is something beautiful or happy, I get choked up. It’s because it makes me think of how he’ll never get a chance to experience that happy or beautiful thing again. He chose not to. It’s like I’ve got to feel it for both of us now. It is a big responsibility.