Monthly Archives: March 2008

Weekend Visit

We spent the holiday weekend at my parent’s house. My father’s birthday was on Sunday so it was a combination visit. It was very hard being in their house again. The last time we were there was just two or three weeks after Thanksgiving when everything was still so raw. They are doing better now, the sadness is less immediate but you can still see it there. They have pictures of my brother up in every single room – only the bathrooms are spared – so you cannot get away from him in a sense. He hated that house so much and never wanted to go back there again – he made sure of that. It felt ironic to feel him there now. He’s trapped there somehow, even though he’s gone so far away from us. My in-laws came as well. It was wonderful to have them there. I almost never want to go to that house again without some other people to buffer the experience. My dad is as angry as ever, if not more so, and nitpicks my mom over every single little thing. She’s talking back to him a little more now but still it hurts me to see and hear it. I’m still recovering from it all. It’s kind of like a hangover but without any of the fun of getting drunk first.

On Saturday night my father put on one of the most purposely sad movies I’ve ever seen. It was called Simon Birch and it was about a young boy who is growing up without a father in the early 60’s. His best friend is Simon Birch who is a midget (or a dwarf, I’m not sure). Simon loves his friend and the friend’s mom played by Ashley Judd, and promises to help his friend find out who his real father is. The actors were all charming and some of the scenes were funny but then in a second the scene would change and something awful would happen. I don’t think that there was a dry eye in the living room. It is nice to cry at movies sometimes but I think for our particular group of people, it was a little hard to take. Leave it to my dad to pick a winner! When my mother-in-law asked him if he’d seen it before he said what he always says, I’ve seen parts of it. I’ve now learned that this means, “I need to make you think I’ve seen this movie/book/thing before but I really haven’t. In fact, I have no idea what I’m talking about”.

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Goodbye Ted E. Bear

Our big weekend with Ted E. Bear ended this morning. P was very sad to have to bring her back. She and I had a bit of a moment. When we noticed that there weren’t any “girl” pajamas in Ted E.’s bag I went up into the attic and found a few of P’s old footie romper thingies for Ted E. to borrow. When we were packing up Ted E.’s bag this morning I suggested that we could give one pair of the pink pajamas to Ted E. so that she would have a pink pajama option for the next little girl who was taking her home. P flat out refused to do this. She said that she liked all of them and didn’t want to give them away. I told her that when we got home I was going to put all three pajamas back up in the attic and she wouldn’t be able to play with them or look at them ever again and she still didn’t want to part with them. I tried guilting her into it and told her that we were put on this earth to give to others, not only to take and that giving away one of these things was a very small gift to give. Honestly, I was very disappointed in her refusal to share. I definitely took the wrong tack I think because she felt my disappointment and it only made her sad and clingy right before we said goodbye. I tried to leave on a good note and got her giggling again before I went out the door. She doesn’t need to share a lot at home and even though she shares at school I worry that I’m raising a spoiled brat. It’s hard when you’re an only child and I can appreciate that but she has to learn this lesson. I’m not really sure how to do it either.

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Going for a ride

Going for a ride
Originally uploaded by roolalenska

It is P’s weekend to bring home the class bear Ted E. Bear. She comes complete with a huge duffle bag of clothing of both genders so your child can choose. I have to say that the fashion choices for girl bears is pretty poor. We’ve been supplimenting. Ted E. also comes with a diary. You’re supposed to write about what Ted E. did while it was visiting. The class will then read your diary entry together. I was reading through the book and was downright shocked by the awful writing skills of some of the parents! Oiy!! P was so excited for this weekend to finally come. They went in alphabetical order and she’s had to wait a long time for them to get to P. I really like this little project. They do so many cute things at her school. I feel so blessed that we ended up there. I worry that Kindergarten will pale in comparison.

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I made a decision to try to join my local church. It’s Alice’s church. I’ve been taking a new member’s class for the past 6 weeks or so and now next week I’m supposed to “graduate”. I have to profess my faith to the church elders at the end of class this Sunday and then in front of the congregation the Sunday following Easter. It requires me to pledge my love for Jesus and my belief in eternal life, etc. I’m going through with it even though I don’t believe all this stuff 100%. I’m willing to accept that there is a God but I have a little trouble with the idea of heaven. I just don’t believe that all my dead loved ones are up there hanging out together shooting the breeze. I am also supposed to pledge my acceptance of the old and new testament as the ultimate rule in faith and in life. I can deal with the faith part but the life part, I’m not so sure. It depends on who is doing the reading/interpreting I guess. I want to join this church because I want to join this community. I admire a lot of the things that they do for the community and I want to support that. I want to understand the religion and the beliefs better. I want to make room for God in my life. I’ve accepted that I need help in dealing with everything in my life. I can’t do it alone anymore. If Jesus can help me, I’m willing to try. I’m always thinking about my brother when I’m there. He’d hate all this. He got so lost somehow and I wonder why God wasn’t there for him when he needed it most? Was that because he wasn’t a believer? I thought that God was supposed to love us all unconditionally?
Last Sunday was the 5th Sunday of Lent and so the lesson was from John 11:1-45 which is the story of Lazarus. I decided to read the passage during the musical prelude because I had gotten there a little early and as I made my way through the passage I started crying. In the story Jesus is not far from where Lazarus lives. Yet, when Lazarus’ sisters send word to Jesus that he should come because their brother is ill, Jesus does not come right away. He only gets there after Lazarus has died from his illness. Lazarus’ sisters both say to Jesus, “Lord if you were only here my brother would not have died”. I guess that one of the reasons that I’m going to church now is to find out where God was when my brother was deciding to do this horrible thing. How could God leave him so alone? I can accept that he was in the prescence of God once he died but I’d rather have him here with us. I’ve been really missing him lately. Jesus tells the sisters that he didn’t save their brother beforehand because he wanted them to believe in eternal life through him. Then he goes ahead and resurrects Lazarus anyway to prove to the gathered crowd that he truly was sent by God to save them all. I’m sure that Martha and Mary were both very happy to have their brother Lazarus back again, even though he was already several days dead and a little smelly.
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Almost everything is boinga here . . .

Wow, I just woke up and don’t feel like total crud. Somewhat like crud, yes – but not TOTAL. This is amazing because this has certainly been the winter of the ick. We have all been sick in this house for what seems like the entire time. Once we get better we just get sick again. G is going to try changing the filter on the furnace today and see if that helps. I’m also going for a haircut today. Yahoo! My hair is a shapeless mess and something needs to be done about it pronto!! I’ve been contemplating long hair again but then I think better of it. I’m also hoping that I can get a little excercise in today. I DVR’d a bunch of episodes of “Bodies in Motion with Gilad”. I’m trying to get my butt in a more presentable form for the bathing suit I got for Disney. Since I’ve been so miserable with this cold I haven’t been doing it. I was just getting to the point where it didn’t hurt horribly everytime I did it and then I had to stop. Pesky!

I guess that I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. The weather and the sickness aren’t helping matters. G is just overwhelmed by the commute and his frustration (and anger) over our situation here. I think I’ve been letting his mood effect me too much. It’s hard to be happy when he is so blue. I can hear birds chirping outside the window so I know that spring is coming soon whether or not it feels like it. I have the power to change how I feel I just have to use it. I’m going to try to recharge myself this weekend. Heck, we’re leaving for Disney in 38 days! This is something I can really get happy about.

P and I were invited to a little birthday party with her two best friends last night. The birthday girl’s mom met us at Build-A-Bear and treated the girls to the “bear” (they all chose the pink poodle), an outfit, shoes and one accessory. Then she took us all out to dinner. It was so nice of her. P had a really good time. She really enjoyed being out with her “girls”. In the restaurant they gave us two tables side by side. The kids were supposed to sit at one and the adults at the other. P didn’t want me to sit with the adults so I ended up at the kid’s table. I didn’t mind it and it avoided a lot of grief. I wish there was an easy way to detach myself from her at those times but there isn’t. It is just something we need to work on. There was another semi-embarrassing moment at the Build-A-Bear. When their poodles were all stuffed and dressed the mom of the birthday girl wanted to take a picture. The sales person also had a camera and told the girls to pose with their poodles in the front of the store. P suddenly developed serious camera-shyness, wouldn’t smile and kept running out of the picture. She put on her mad pouting face instead. I told her that I wasn’t happy with her behaviour and she smirked at me. I’m not sure why she does that. I suspect it is because she’s realizing that it is not her moment and she needs to steal some of it back. I really do not like this trait and have to figure out a way to stop it.

The title of this post is from the CUTEST Backyardigans’ song. I can’t get it out of my head.

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