Master of None

I’ve been struggling a little bit lately. After all my excitement about the potential employment opportunities at the yet unamed big box store I’ve come to realize that they are not quite as excited about me. I know I’m handling this all wrong but it just seems to be part of the package for now. I was stopped in there for a couple of things this morning after I dropped P off. I didn’t have any makeup on, I have coffee breath, I’m listening to my ipod and I walked right past the store’s general manager that I met with last week. I just smiled and said hi and she said hi back. I know I should have stopped and taken off the headphones and chatted her up a little bit but I just didn’t want to. I would really like to work there but I don’t like feeling like I have to be ready for a potential job interview everytime I want to go in there.

Since I’m job hunting I’m spending a lot of time looking over my resume and writing cover letters extolling my many talents and experiences and while this should be making me feel good about everything that I’ve accomplished it is just not. I’ve been feeling more like a failure lately. I know that I’m a pretty good wife and my daughter is a star. Seriously, she was reading to me from “Haroun and the Sea of Stories” by Salman Rushdie last night. Folks, she is 5 years old and she hasn’t even been to Kindergarten yet. I can take pride in her successes – whatever part I’ve had in them . . . but I’m having a lot of trouble taking pride in what I’ve done. I studied drama in college and did nothing with it (not that I want to start anything like that now). I’ve bounced around in many different fields since school and I’ve done a lot of different things but I’m starting to look back and think how much time I’ve wasted. It probably has a lot to do with my brother. I know that he struggled with a lot of the same things in his life. He was a brilliant guy who never really found his way in the world. I don’t even know if I’m half as smart as he was.

Oh, and it is freezing and raining out AGAIN! This is definitely not helping my mood here. They keep saying that we are going to have a nice weekend. I hope that they are right because I could really use a little sunshine right about now.

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